STREET SMARTS

Keeping up with fashion trends.

Created by: Sam Mechling

STREETSMARTS

Helping you stay cool this Summer.

Created by: Sam Mechling

STREETWALKER: Holly Ratcliff
TASTES LIKE: An old rubber glove soaked in Easter egg dye
NICKNAME: "Skirt Steak"

WINO: Ralph Paige
SMELLS LIKE: A spittoon filled with pond water
PERSONAL QUOTE: "I will tongue-punch your wind pipe!"

STREETWALKER:
"Shit, I used to rock a wet cotton t-shirt to stay cool, but the cops put a stop to that! Apparently Officer Williams thinks that,".... nobody wants to look at two cow stomachs filled with Jergens. What a tight-a$$!"

Chiara, a pharmaceutical rep from South Bend, asks: Do you know what fabrics work best in hot weather? I want to stay cool but I don't want to pay $60 for a Nike Dri Fit shirt!

WINO:
"Wooo! Have you ever ran eight city blocks in a polyester Sponge Bob costume?!?! Those motherf***ers are hotter than five racoons f***ing in a sleeping bag!"

STREETWALKER:
"Well, my pimp Crazy Eyez says that if he doesn't see more "tail money" than "bail money" he's gonna "water board" my a$$! I don't know what that is, but if its like water skiiing, it sounds refreshing!!!"

Billy, a software engineer from Walkerton, asks: Next week, I'm going to a lake house with friends to cliff jump and water ski, but I don't know how to swim. How am I going to avoid sweating the whole time?

WINO:
"It's no big deal. I usually cool off vicariously. I just grab myself a big ole' Bomb-Pop and watch the local kids run through a sprinkler. Eatin' good in the neighborhood!"

STREETWALKER:
"Oooo BABY! You're making ME hot, sugar! You're so fine, I'd suck the fart out of your weight bench!"

Jake, a personal trainer from Elkhart, asks: Lately the humidity has made me so hot, but the only pool near my house is a public facility. Are they as dirty as everyone says?

WINO:
"Yes Sir! They are correct! Every Friday, at the YMCA community swim, I dive down into the deep end and rub one out while I hold my breath. I call it the "poached egg" 'cause of how it just floats there! Bloop! Bloop! Bwahahaha!!!"

STREETSMARTS

Celebrating your personal independence.

Created by: Sam Mechling

WINO: Carl Hanley
SMELLS LIKE: an electric fire at a pig farm
PERSONAL QUOTE: "You ever eat chicken salad made of chicken sh*t?!?

STREETWALKER: Jazmin Dunn
TASTES LIKE: A dead sea otter covered in crude oil
NICKNAME: "Dust Ruffles"

WINO:
"Huge a$$hole? I'll tell you who has a huge a$$hole: Jazmin Goddamn Dunn!!! I head that thing is so huge, if you put your ear up next to it, you can hear the sound of the ocean!!!"

Allyson, a hostess from Dyer asks: Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of five years because I caught him cheating on me. Do you have any advice on how to get over a huge a$$hole like my ex?

STREETWALKER:
"He's RIGHT! I rode The Batman Ride at Six Flags with my mini skirt on!!! The air kept whistlin' over it, and it sounded like somebody blowing on the top of a Coke bottle!!!"

WINO:
"Sh*t, you should have seen the contraband my cellmate used to hide inside me while I was in the joint. The guards used to call me "Mr. Potato Head", because once, during a cavity search, a fake mustache and a pair of sunglasses fell out of my damn backside!!!"

John, an electrician from Merriville asks: Last month I was released from prison after serving a three-year sentence. Now that I am free, how am I supposed to live with the terrible thingsthat happened to me while I was in there?

STREETWALKER:
"Ooooh, baby. One time, the women in my cell block were brewin' homemade sangria in a toilet and my dumb-ass flushed it on accident. LORD! They beat me so bad; my face looked like Precious if she had an allergic reaction to a goddamn bee sting!!"

WINO:
"Awww f**k your story, peckerwood! Last Spring, I drank so much Listerine, the cops found me in a nursing home trying to dry-hump a 92 year old retired teacher. One of the detectives said it looked like a "mummy fight"!!!"

Travis, a DJ from Hammond, asks: I had a very traumatic experience involving crystal meth and I've been drug free ever since. Do you think I should share my story with others to help them?

STREETWALKER:
"That's all you got? Back in 1984, at "Monsters of Rock", I ate so much Demerol; I puked, pissed and shat myself simultaneously. I ain't kidding! I looked like a goddamn Play-Doh Spaghetti Factory!!!"